Everything I talk about in this article is consensual and is the way we made our relationship. It’s a big kink for us both. It isn’t for everyone and if you decide to try it, make sure you have full consent, stay safe, and have a list of do’s and don’ts.
Most couples don’t engage in anything other than standard, perhaps sometimes acrobatic sex. They enjoy each other’s bodies and love playing together in all sorts of ways: changing positions, changing locations, perhaps introducing some nice toys to their playtimes.
Others go a little further and meet people for threesomes, foursomes, and other couples for swinging. They may even go for hotwifing or cuckolding scenarios, where the wife has sex with another man while her husband watches.
However, there is something to be said about the large subset of sexually active people who participate in BDSM.
As a blanket term, BDSM means a lot of things. You may imagine latex suits, gag balls, spank paddles, whips, cuffs or a range of other BDSM paraphernalia. Even the above-mentioned hotwifing and cuckolding loosely fall under BDSM.
Regardless of the toys used or the number of people involved, what is common for most BDSM practices is that there is one person (or more) who is dominant or controlling, and another person (or more) who is submissive or relinquishing control.
Here, I’m going to talk about how my wife and I make use of these roles in the bedroom (and often outside of it), with an emphasis on how she came to be submissive and what it means for her.
What Does It Mean To Be A Submissive?
Submissives can sometimes also be called ‘bottoms’ in the BDSM communities. They are people (of any gender identity) who get turned on by being controlled by others (by the dominants or doms). This can be restricted only to the bedroom, but it could also be applied to the rest of the sub’s life if they’re okay with it.
The degree to which the submissive relinquishes control in sex varies. It can vary from person to person, but it can also vary from one encounter to the next. What matters is that both parties (the submissive and the dominant) are comfortable with the arrangement.
The submissive may enjoy acting as a slave or a servant, being humiliated or punished in different ways (the most common one being spanking), or they could be completely at the mercy of the dom, tied up, wrapped in rope or otherwise powerless to do anything.
As I said, the degree of submission depends on the person. If you’re curious about the lifestyle and wish to play with a sub, don’t go assuming that everyone is the same. Talk to your potential partner and make sure you’re both on the same page in terms of your needs and wants.
How I Transformed My Submissive Wife (Our Story)
The funny thing is, my wife wasn’t always submissive. When we first started dating and having sex, we were just like any other couple you meet. There were no sub/dom undertones at all.
In fact, I often found her closed off when it came to sex. She wasn’t averse to trying new things, but she also wasn’t the one to bring them up or offer any initiative. I guess I should have assumed these were early signs of her preferring the submissive role.
It took quite a lot of talking and open and honest (and supportive) communication before she was willing to admit that she got especially horny when I was more dominant.
Hearing that was like music to my ears. Once I realized that she enjoyed being controlled, I got so much more turned on and so much more intense and imaginative in bed.
Gradually, not wanting to intimidate her, I started changing in the bedroom. I would order her to do something for me, manhandle her, even tie her up to our bedposts. She responded incredibly well to all of these – she’d get so wet and eager – and we started having fun during sex as we’ve never had before.
This submissive trait was always inside my wife; she just needed the right guy to confide into and to bring it out of her.
Now it’s something that is a massive turn on to her, and I feel like a real man.
Is It All About Control?
While domination has a distinct controlling quality to it, it’s not only about that. Following our first steps into the BDSM world, my wife and I have included some aspects of it outside of the bedroom as well. But you never want to cross the line and become a manipulative, abusive partner. BDSM is the complete opposite of that.
The key thing here is trust. My wife trusts me with her body, her pleasure, and her life, and I, in turn, trust her as well. Our dom/sub dynamics only strengthened the bond between us and elevated our relationship to a whole new level.
To make sure you are not overstepping boundaries and that you and your partner are still enjoying the roleplay, you need to talk to each other. As I mentioned before, communication is the cornerstone of a healthy BDSM relationship. Frequently check in with your sub and see where they’re at mentally and how your roleplaying is affecting their libido and their lifestyle. If it’s nothing but positive, then carry on!
My Submissive Training Guide
If you’re looking to polish and/or improve your relationship with your sub, or are maybe interested in building one, then read on for my comprehensive training guide. These are all things I learned from my experience, so there’s no guarantee that they’ll work for everyone. But I found that they can be quite helpful when you’re just venturing into the world of BDSM.
Dominance Isn’t Just For The Bedroom
The biggest mistake I made early on was thinking I could just turn on dominance and she would submit. I would be my regular self in real life and then in the bedroom, I’d turn into this dominant version of myself and that’d be that.
However, this just pissed my wife off. It wasn’t a good strategy.
You need to be the same person both in and outside the bedroom. You need to take the lead in life as well. Be confident and dominant outside the bedroom, and then when you turn on the dominance during sex, it will drive your sub wild. They will submit in a blink of an eye.
One of the main aspects of dominance is conviction. You have to be 100% sure of every move you make, every decision you bring. You need to mean what you say and to back your words up with appropriate actions.
Even a little weakness could ruin everything.
My advice is to work on following through. When you make a decision, you need to believe it’s the right one. Take the initiative. Take action! This is both for the bedroom and your life outside of it. Incorporate your dominance qualities into everything you do (within reason, of course) and your sub will be incredibly grateful for it.
It Can Be Hard In Long Term Relationships
If you’ve just met a woman who is a sub, it’s not too difficult to be dominant with her. However, changing the dynamics and the way your partner sees you in a long term relationship can be a little trickier.
Even after hours and hours of talking and communication, there comes the point where words just don’t cut it anymore. You have to show them just how gloriously dominant you can be.
This may cause conflict at the start, such as when I struggled with my dominance outside of the bedroom as well. But after the initial conflict stage, everything will get better as you both settle more comfortably into your dom/sub roles.
Take It Step By Step
You can’t do it all at once. In fact, you shouldn’t do it all at once. As I said above, making yourself more comfortable in your role is an important part of the process. Especially if you and/or your partner have never done this before.
So take your time. Ease into it. Don’t reach for full-body suits and handcuffs and whips right away. Try more tame things. Try verbal dominance first. Gradually move on to actual physical domination. Talk, talk, talk.
Inform yourself about consent and about the SSC (safe, sane, consensual) practices. Don’t assume your sub likes something that you know other subs do if you’ve never asked them about it. You are in control, but you are both taking part in this willingly and it needs to feel good for you both. Otherwise, you could be doing something very wrong and very illegal.
Have Full Respect For Each Other
Your partner is a human being. They are either someone you met and have casual sex with, or they are your life partner, someone you love and care for and want to be with for the long haul. Either way, they are a person just like you are. Don’t ever forget that.
If your partner is uncomfortable with something, then it’s off-limits no matter how much you want it. (If you want it that much, find another sub who will be into the same thing.) If they’re not in the mood for roleplaying, respect that.
Even though your role is that of a person in power, the goal here isn’t to abuse someone. It is to bring them pleasure through making them submit to you. Remember that subs are in it for sexual gratification just as much as you are.
Lead, Don’t Follow
Once you figure out what your partner likes, either through communication or experimentation, don’t ask them whether or not it is okay to do the thing. As soon as I would learn something new that my wife enjoyed, I would simply do it the next time we had sex.
She loved it because it added another layer of excitement and trust. She trusted me with her needs without me having to ask to fulfill them and she would get hot all over, anticipating what I would do next. If you can get to this point in your relationship, I can honestly say that there’s nothing else quite like it.
Finally, here are some tricks to use in the bedroom to get the most out of your roleplay time. Again, these are the things that work for my wife and me, so take them with a grain of salt. Some of them might not work for you and your partner.
Move them to get what you want.
In line with the previous bullet point: don’t ask. Don’t even use words for that matter. Maneuver and manhandle your sub into the sex position you want. Pull their head down for a blowjob. Be creative and determined, but don’t hurt them. (Unless they’re into that.)
Use your body weight to hold them down.
If you’re bigger/stronger/heavier than your sub, press them into the mattress (or whatever other surface is near you). That feeling of being held down by your body and the overall sensation of helplessness is bound to tip your sub over the edge.
Restrain their hands with your hands.
This is one of my favorites that I started using on my wife early on. It’s simple yet so effective. Just take your sub’s wrists and hold them down so they can’t move their hands while you’re having sex. It’s a great move for beginners in practice.
You can also learn to restrain your partner using rope bondage, there’s an amazing guide.
Ask them to do what you like.
Give them orders. Be commanding. Subs are there to obey you and make your every desire happen, so use that to the advantage of both of you.
Use dirty talking.
If it flows, then using words like ‘good girl’ or even ‘such a good slut for me’ can be incredibly satisfying to your sub. The important thing here is to pick your words carefully and maybe even discuss them beforehand. Everyone likes different pet names and dirty words, and some can even be a trigger, so be cautious of that.
Pull their hair (lightly). My wife loves it.
In doggy style, I like to grip my wife’s hair and lightly pull her head back.
It’s not about using force or hurting your sub. It’s about them being restricted in their movement and possibly even feeling a little threatened. Make sure to grab the hair as close to the head as possible not to hurt your partner.
Put your hand over their mouth.
Finally, prevent them from uttering anything. Put a hand over your sub’s mouth, push their head into the bed or perhaps even use a gag of some kind (like a gag ball, yes). This can drive the sub wild in record time. Again, make sure they are okay with this (before the roleplay starts) and that you’re not cutting off their air supply at the same time.
We’ve also got a guide on primal sex fetish which is all about control and letting your inner animal out during the bedroom.
What Submissive Sex Feels Like With My Wife
The best part of having a submissive partner is sex. This isn’t really a surprise because the entire sub/dom concept is for people who are turned on by these roles to get what they need in bed.
My wife knows I respect her and for that reason, she lets me do as I please. If anything, she loves when I really push her limits.
Over the years, we have developed a great dynamic.
We talk about our ideas and fantasies and new things we want to include, and we make sure to both voice our honest opinions. I am never going to do anything that hurts her or makes her miserable, and I would hate for her to be saying yes to something just because I am desperate for it. (Though some subs are okay with only sexually pleasing their partners, so you should also discuss that.)
Once we get to the bedroom and amp up the sub/dom roles, pretty much anything goes. (Anything we have previously agreed on, that is.)
The sex isn’t always outrageously wild. Sometimes it can be relatively slow, with just her roped up or tied to the bed. Sometimes I only use toys on her. Sometimes I order her to give me a blowjob while I’m watching a game on TV.
But other times, we go all out. My wife loves spanking (find out how I spank my wife) and nipple clamps, and we’ve also used butt plugs and beads that she wears for hours (sometimes even out of the house). I love praising her and telling her she’s good for me because that gets her wet so fast.
To get to this place with your sub, all you need to do is be honest. I know I’ve said this many times in this post, but I can’t emphasize it enough. Honesty and communication are what get you mindblowing BDSM sex.
The Tools I Use In And Outside The Bedroom
To wrap up my story, here are some tools that I use on my wife whenever the opportunity arises. It took us a while before we found the right models/designs of each of these, but I can assure you that the ones on the list worked the best for us.
Have fun playing with them!
Love these restraints because they can be used on any type of bed, even if you don’t have bedposts. You just have to slide them under the mattress, and you can restrain your sub any way you want! The cuffs are Velcro, so you can adjust them to fit your sub’s wrists and ankles.
I love having my wife bound in all four corners, completely at my mercy. These restraints also make it easy for me to unfasten them and flip her over without hassle.
There’s also a whole list of different BDSM restraints furniture you can try out.
Forget the fluffy handcuffs. Please. They’re flimsy and they’re going to break the moment you put them on your sub. Instead, opt for these sturdy ones made from high-quality leather that can hold back a bull. They have adjustable cuffs, and you can choose whether or not you want to link them together or even handcuff your sub to something else. Love their versatility.
My wife goes crazy when I gag her. We chose this O-ring gag because it is made from medical-grade silicone and it is comfortable yet secure. You want something that is smooth and doesn’t hurt while at the same time providing the needed lockdown.
This ball gag is adjustable and compatible with chains (as tried by us). My favorite thing to do is have my wife give me a blowjob in the gag (without the ball, of course).
If you want more ball gags, check out this amazing guide to ball gags.
Yes, my wife has two collars. One is for the bedroom and one is for everyday life. The bedroom one is made out of faux leather, 100% vegan. It is comfortable from the first use, so you don’t have to worry about your sub getting cut on it the first few wears.
The buckle closure on the collar helps you adjust the size, and the lead is 38 inches long. I love how it has a hand loop for even more control.
Because her bedroom collar is relatively plain and uninspiring, I decided to treat my wife to something cuter and more feminine for her everyday wear. She doesn’t wear this collar all the time (our BDSM tendencies have no place at her job), but she does often wear it when guests who are familiar with our lifestyle come to visit. We have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
The little heart locket, in particular, here makes her feel romantic. She often says how the lock means she’s completely mine, and I love her for that.
For effective sense deprivation play, a good blindfold is a must. I don’t think I’ve met BDSM enthusiasts who have never used a blindfold. Start with this one because it is easy to slide on and off and it is incredibly silky to the touch. The elastic bands are comfortable and not too constricting, and you can get it in black and red if I’m not mistaken. (We have both.)
If you don’t want to buy things separately, you could also get a BDSM sex kit (that’s the one we recommend)
Should You Try BDSM?
If you’re interested and feel like this is something you’d enjoy, I think a dom/sub relationship, even if it’s just sex, will transform you as a person. BDSM tends to have that effect on people because they become more confident with themselves, more comfortable in their skin, and more relaxed overall.
Find a partner who will meet your needs, who has the same or similar fantasies as you, and you’re guaranteed to have kinky sex like you could never have imagined. Enjoy!
I’m Brandon, I’m one of the main writers and owners of ewsingles (the other being my girlfriend (Willow). My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and share our passion for sex toys, sex and dating.